chronic and inevitable

I have been trying to put my finger on why I am obsessed with recurrence.  Maybe it’s not so weird for someone with cancer, but, hey…I’m new at this.

But why would I be antsy to have a recurrence come sooner than later?  What’s up with that?  It’s not that I am hopeless, or depressed.  It’s more like wanting to get something difficult to be over with already.

 I think of my inevitable first recurrence like the proverbial band-aid that you just have to rip off even though it’s gonna hurt like hell.

I am living with stage 4 cancer.  It’s chronic.  It will come and go but never leave completely.  While the final outcome sucks, it’s the living with this disease, and it’s imminent symptoms that I can’t help but anticipate.

I have said up to now, I don’t really know what the cancer feels like.  I only know how sick the chemo made me.

It’s been a year since I dove into the “medical vortex” as my doctor named it.  There were the endless tests and biopsies.  Then major surgery made getting my power port feel like a piece of cake!

Three weeks after my surgery, I started weekly chemo for 4 long months.  Today, I am in remission.  By nature of metastasized ovarian cancer, it will return. I’m not being pessimistic here, it’s just what it is. Each time it comes back there will be choices to make, treatments to consider, a push to another remission.

The cancer I have is chronic and recurrence is inevitable.

Recurrence is part of the whole cycle.  Then, with a bit of luck, there will  be a remission again, recurrence, remission, recurrence, remission.  Who knows how long that cycle will go on.  The hope is that it will spin through many rounds.

So, I suppose being fixated on recurrence isn’t so strange from my point of view.  It comes from a curiosity about this disease.  My inquisitive nature wants to Know what I am up against.

Soon enough Bridgett…soon enough.


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